This Mark Benson saga got me thinking. Umpires are a mistreated and misunderstood lot. Nobody appreciates them, and thats sad because they play such an important role on the cricket field. Every single decision they make is scrutinized until someone, somewhere can find fault with it, and then suddenly the decision apparently has the power to make or destroy a player’s career. They don’t need that stress, honestly. They’re calling it as they see it, and they’re in charge. They didn’t spend all those years umpiring matches between clubs made up of boisterous, fat has-beens to get to this. Who are all those bloody couch potatoes to criticize them for not doing their jobs properly, what did any of them ever do for the good of the game? No respect I tell you, no respect.
Its not just the paying public, whining cricketers and nasty broadcasters. The root of the problem is the damned ICC. First the ICC took away their autoritah by creating unnecessary “Match Referees.” It then diluted their on-field powers by creating a third (and even a redundant fourth) umpire, as if to say “Listen buddy, you mess up one more time, there’s a replacement, now step up to it.” And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they started letting this fancy third umpire overrule their decisions. That wasn’t all, you had to humiliate yourself on the field by crossing your hands across your chests, as if trying to protect your modesty, and apologize. Yeah thats right, “I’m sorry my extra perceptory skills didn’t catch that faint edge, oooh sooo sorry my eyes didn’t see that ball actually pitched in line by an inch, I’m fucking sorry my ears couldn’t distinguish between the ball smashing into his chest guard and not his glove but a fucking bee happened to be attracted to my collar at that instant, I’ll just stand here and apologize to y’all after that turd umpire wasted 15 fucking minutes of my life watching it over and over and overruling my decision for popularity’s sake. Fuck you, my hearts not in it, I’m going home.”
Why does the ICC have this stupid third umpire anyway? Why can’t the umpires on the field get to see the imagery on hand held devices and arrive at the correct decision instead of making the wrong one and looking like fools a few minutes later? You know why? MONEH! Thats right, the broadcasters sponsor this outdated technology (seriously, replays have been used since the 1950s for crying out loud) because they get to show the fans some silly pictures which add to the entertainment package of their show. The fans become the judges along with that silly Third Umpire, while the real vanguards of cricketing justice are reduced to silly puppets calling no-balls and wides (hell, even those are scrutinized).
THATZ WRONG! They should be the be-all and end-all of decisions in a cricket match. No reviews. No fans as judges. No bloody third, fourth and 80,000th umpires. Cricket has seen technology imbibed in virtually every sphere of the game. Night games for the fans, better bats and equipment for the players (pampered brats with their masseurs, physios and ice cold baths) and mutha-fuckin corporate boxes with HD TVs for the administocrats. Well well, guess who’s been left out again. You see this picture:
This could be from the middle ages!
Just what about this picture tells you this umpire is from the 21st century. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Hat, shirt, grimace… Bloody hell this could be from the middle ages. Yeah nice job ICC, you just keep treating them like they don’t belong to the modern game.
But SoaL has a solution. A solution so elegant that it not only solves all the above problems, but also has added benefits which the ICC hasn’t bothered to think about. We recommend giving the umpires helmets. Do you remember the 1996 world cup when that rotten Richie Richardson slog-sweep smashed the ball to square leg. Do you remember what that fiend Ravi Shastri said. I do. “Umpire B.C.Cooray has got it straight on the coconut!” Coconut? One of the umpire brethren was almost killed and you make light of the situation, you snarky bastard. What if that was your grandma? “OMG my grandmother’s slow reflexes were no match for that shot which went like a tracer bullet right onto her coconut!”
But I digress. This isn’t any helmet. This is an technological wonder helmet. For this is an Augmented Reality helmet. Take a look at the proposed umpire of the future.
Impressive huh? Well not really. Its a bit clunky and actually looks like a construction safety helmet and a slick pair of sunglasses attached to a binocular-like-camera and medusa-like wires popping out from the back, in short kinda like my old school principal trying to look hip at a field trip to the firestation. Well, its not what it looks like now, that can be worked on. Its what it can do. Behold, this helmet protects the umpire not just from vicious batting strikes but even from a brick thrown at his head with a velocity of 60kmph! Never worry about making the right decision in front of an unruly crowd ever again. Unless they have uzis, in which case you’re pretty much fucked anyhow. But we haven’t even got to what these fancy contraptions can do. I mean there’s no point adding all that extra weight to an umpire’s head (like he doesn’t carry a burden with all those life changing decisions anyway!) if it doesn’t benefit both him and the game.
Well thats exactly what this Augmented Reality helmet does. This helmet is equipped with sophisticated algorithms that recognize imagery and display appropriate information to the umpire in real-time! Even things he might not pick up can be enlarged and replayed, super slowly if required. No more having to look up onto stupid replay screens, no more stupid third umpires, no more fans getting to see what he sees and making their false judgments – HE IS IN TOTAL CONTROL. Things like the lines between the wickets at either end are clearly highlighted in his space-like-visor, and if the ball pitches in line that information is held in a nice pop-up box until the ball is dead, as a handy reference. Confused by whether the ball is going over the top? Well just download the hawk-eye plugin and check for yourself! Boom mofo, who da man now! Now, many of you might not have got a complete grasp for this A-R helmet thingy, so its best shown with an example. The picture on the left is how the umpire would see the image today, without any aid. The picture on the right shows how useful bits of information “augment” the view and help him with his decision making:
But Achettup, why is the image on the right not as bright? THATS BECAUSE THE VIZOR ALSO PROTECTS HIM FROM HARMFUL UV RADIATION! A-R SHADES BIATCH!
But Achettup, its ugly, its just clutter and will probably distract him? O RLY? You’re the kind of person who probably would have said tooltips were “clutter” ten years ago. Ok, its not a great representation of an AR image, and admittedly its photoshopped (original image here) but it gets the point across. Still not impressed huh? You want to see AR in action, real-time intelligence as the event is taking place. Ok, here’s a more realistic (and souped-up) AR image:
Ha, now THAT should have convinced you!
But Achettup, what if some nasty meany like Harbhajan goes upto the umpire and pushes his helmet? The extra head-weight could make him topple over to one side and make it near impossible for him to get up! And if he pulls out the wires? Wouldn’t that just make the umpire feel even more conscious about that ugly helmet? 
Yeah, yeah pick on the aesthetics. This is just a proposed amendment. The old image shows a prototype. Of course once some fancy company like Tesla starts building this, they might come up with a light weight, snazzy contraption like the image on the right. Who wouldn’t want to wear one of those. The umpire no longer feels neglected and like old-hat, he feels like a frickin fighter jet pilot blasting fake appeals to kingdom come. He might get so caught up in it that he’ll do the Akram aeroplane everytime he catches a batsmen pretending not to have knicked the ball. That helmet has so much awesomeness associated with it that it could be the next big sex toy. Augmented Reality sex helmets. Now there’s something that might really catch on!
But Achettup, what about naughty gay umpires who use their new techno-wonder to gaze at the batsman’s privates with this xray vision? There is no “X-Ray” vision, useful information is imbibed into the umpires natural line of vision. He can preset his visor’s settings to show only the amount of information he thinks is pertinent and sufficient.
But Achettup, he could always download an x-ray plugin for his visor, couldn’t he? SCREW YOU and your negative energy. What are you doing to help, why don’t you go start an umpire’s depressed hotline? Who gives a damn if he’s looking at their abdomen guard, how do you know they’re not doing that anyways?
Thats the trouble, you make a recommendation and people immediately try to shoot it down. Nobody thinks about the benefits and how to solve the problem. What I’m proposing could make iPhones redundant if the right plugins are added. It gives the umpires back their dearly beloved respect and authoritah. It reduces the amount of time wasted on retarded inconclusive replays. It makes the umpire believe that he’s living with the times. But no, people will always pick on the little things. “How much will this cost? Who’s going to pay for it? How will this benefit the fans? Can a camera feed be attached to the umpire’s visor? Well why didn’t you say so, now all we gotta do is find a sucker to fund it?” etc etc etc…
I’ve solved your problem for you ICC. Now its up to you to decide if you want to implement the only solution that will please everyone. Or you can go on treating the umpires like worthless sacks of shit for not being able to do their job properly with antique like equipment (depending on their ages of course). I demand you give them the respect they deserve. And make these awesome helmets. Or at least give them a Wii for Christmas to let them know they’re not forgotten. That uses somewhat reasonably new tech, doesn’t it?
Given the simple task of chasing 330 at just over 4 an over on the world’s favorite batting strip against a second string West Indian bowling attack, Australia chose to honor Robert Craddock’s (of the Daily Telegraph) advice on protecting (their 3rd place in the) ICC rankings by stonewalling, delaying proceedings and even throwing a couple of wickets away to ensure a draw rather than make the slightest effort to win. It came as a bitter disappointment to several home fans who are used to the side winning virtually every game they play at the Adelaide Oval. But times have changed and with them so have the targets of angst of the country’s journalist community.
Malcolm Conn, long time patriot of The Australian was scathing in his review:
…if this is the best the combined might of (Australia) …can muster, then Test cricket is in terminal decline.
Ben Dorries of the Brisbane Courier-Mail was less philosophical and bluntly noted:
…(their Test cricket has become) a complete and utter joke….
and even went so far as to demand that
(the series) should be cancelled and all tickets refunded
Former whimpering skipper Kim Hughes took delight in being able to run down another (Aussie) skipper when he claimed:
his body language suggests he doesn’t want to captain
and continued to harp on the change in attitude of the home side with this unnecessary barb:
(they are) an embarrassment to themselves… I’m a passionate person about Test cricket and this was not a Test
Fellow whimpering colleagues admitted that a cheery Hughes expected Australia to win Tests, not go out of their way to draw them. Hughes is alleged to have claimed that Australia have become so afraid of losing that their approach today consists of first ensuring they can’t lose, then hopefully trying to draw and if all elements fall perfectly into alignment, they might consider if winning will cost their overrate, and then after a few team meetings in the middle agree on whether to press for the draw or take a chance with a win.
Perhaps most furious is the man who most likely influenced this approach. Robert Craddock wondered
how on earth can anybody be expected to maintain interest in this dog-eared series for… (any) …more Tests
Many believe that the problem is that loyal home fans cannot fathom an Australian side not winning home tests. The entire country collectively ignored the series loss to South Africa last summer and instead chose to carp on the ills of the IPL and prepare drafts of scandalous stories about Mitchell Johnson’s mother in preparation for another Ashe’s hiding (the latter paid rich dividends when Australia lost the most boring test series played in 2009). This time however, several of the country’s genteel fanatics believed that the home side had not justified the hype built up by the nation’s sports columnists.”Malcolm Conn is the new McGrath” shouted one frustrated fan. “If he says 4-0 in a three match series, it had better be four-fucking-nil. Aussie Aussie Aussie… Aussie! – nil.” Another happy-go-lucky teenager momentarily stopped thumping a rotten Indian student to chirp “We don’t go to watch test matches, we go to watch Australia win!”
The outburst is overwhelming several well respected media institutions in the country. Rumors abound that David Penberthy was apparently too busy deleting racist text messages from angry home fans to attend his long awaited seminar on “A Simple One-Pronged Strategy To Increase Traffic To Your Sports Website.” Elsewhere a delirious Andrew Faulkner even tried to insinuate that it was the Windies who were playing for a shared result, before finally conceding “Australia scrapes in for draw“. Australia did however find surprising support from a visiting scribe. An emotional Tony Cozier was fed up of all the abuse hurled at the baggy greens and came out strongly in their defence with:
the abuse and scorn heaped on the team in the Australian press… was undeserved. Much of it was simply beyond the pale
Disclaimer: This post contains several quotes made by leading Australian sports journalists and Tony Cozier. Attempts have been made to reproduce these quotes and attribute them to the right author. We cannot be held responsible or liable for statements made by Australians, irrespective of how demeaning or misleading they are. SoaL has made a deliberate effort to fill in incomplete quotes where ever possible.
A curious mixture of circumstance and consistency (would you have ever associated that with Indian cricket even just a couple of years ago) have seen India ascend to the summit of the ICC rankings. Critics will now point out that the rankings are flawed (they seemed to be just fine while Australia held the position even after losing two series in a row), and that this Indian team doesn’t have the dominating prowess of the great West Indian and Australian sides of the past. Critics will say the bowling lacks the penetration, pace and probing accuracy that befits a champion side. Critics will say the team relies on individual moments of batting brilliance and the unit is unable to play as a team. They will say that many in the side have the wrong attitude and that the team shall continue to search for that elusive “killer instinct.” They will pick on the fielding and fitness and compare it to sides that struggle to make the top half of the table. They may have a few points (for some of the time), but even these critics cannot ignore facts (for all of the time).
And the facts are as impressive as they are surprising. The last time India lost a test match was in July 2008 in Sri Lanka. It is also the last time they lost a test series, and flatteringly the last time they did not win a test series. Reflect on that for a moment; India have won every test series they have played for close to a year and a half. No other team has a better record over this period. Even the overrated Australian side, who have lived off their past performances to hold on to number one, have lost three test series during this time including one at home. Go as far back as May of 2007 and the team’s record is still surprising. Out of ten test series, including the acrimonious tour to Australia, India have won 7, lost two (Aus and SL) and drawn a home series against South Africa. Go back even further and you will admire that the side has away series wins in England, the West Indies, New Zealand and Pakistan, silencing those who say they are poor travelers. In fact, the last time an Indian side went win-less in a series was against Pakistan in January of 2006.
During this time unnecessary controversy has plagued the side, as have injuries and change in management and personnel. There have been three different captains, several different pace and spin bowlers in the side at one time or another, the retirement of two of India’s all-time greats and even the ignominious dropping of world class players by bitter and stupid selectors. In short, this has hardly been a settled team. But it is one overloaded with talent. That they haven’t won as convincingly as many believe they should have only goes to show how people’s expectations have changed considerably from the times when just avoiding a whitewash abroad was considered a decent performance. But they have won enough to be the best in an era where there is no clear leader.
Credit should go not just to this team that has crushed Sri Lanka in this series, but also to those who have been a part of building this side and this spirit over the last few years. Anil Kumble stepped in when the selectors were not ready to thrust Dhoni with the responsibility of test captaincy, and he led by example. He demanded nothing short of excellence from his players, backed them to the hilt, performed with enthusiasm that belied his 37 years of age and in his own way guided and prepared them through a tough transition. The core of this side – Sachin, Rahul, Sehwag, Laxman, Harbhajan and Zaheer – then gave their new captain all the support he needed and helped him mould this side into one capable of beating any opposition, anywhere in the world. Dhoni’s captaincy has inspired much talk, so much so that his match winning performances are sometimes overshadowed by it. Indeed, he might well be one of the luckiest Indian skippers with a this beautiful rich combination of seniors and youngsters, all of whom have made important contributions when circumstances demanded it. Whether it is Gautham Gambhir who has become the number one test batsman, or even the temperamental troubled child Sreesanth taking a 5-fer on his return, at crucial times there has always been someone who has performed beyond his potential.
It is hard to understand why so many wish to condemn this team. The explosive brilliance of Sehwag at the top and his more than able partner Gambhir are easily the best opening partnership in all forms of the game at the moment. In Zaheer, Sreesanth and Ishant Sharma, the side has a well rounded pace bowling attack, and when they are all back to top form I’d like to see how many sides can keep them at bay. Between Harbhajan, Ojha and Mishra, the team has rich spinning options to select from, all of whom can dominate a side on a wearing track. Yuvraj might still be finding his feet in Test cricket but his batting pedigree is doubted by none. Dhoni has evolved and developed his game to the level where you wonder if there is a more ambitious and determined cricketer today. And then you have the famed trio, who might not steal the headlines as often as they used to but who are always, in their own quiet ways, contributing to the series victories. Indian cricket has had many dutiful servants, but none more battle-worn and committed than Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman. If this is the last time they have played together for India at home, then they have gone out on a deserved flourish, as key architects of the number one side of the world. Well done, team India!
As in its musical context, particularly this line from wikipedia “it is a purposeful and valid passage used for a specific effect in the context of the overall work.” Actually thats all pretentious BS, I need this time to focus on other things and don’t anticipate posting again before the end of November or later. This means I’ll miss SoaL’s birthday, October 27th I think, so please make sure you come here and wish the blog Happy Birthday, because it tends to get touchy about things like that. I need to look back at this in some sort of context.
Context is people talking about Harsha Bhogle’s hair instead of Pragyan Ojha’s bowling. Context is also ads telling you shampoos are good investments. In these contexts, SoaL has given me worse returns than Enron and Satyam. While gmail tends to catch obvious spam, it has so far been unable to catch that annoying brand of former-e-commerce-business-advisors-turned-social-media-strategists, mostly pretenders living off one of the big six – the only ones who really know what they’re talking about – but usually Pete Cashmore’s content. There is nothing that I hate more than people who can’t take the hint after they’ve been ignored once, received a reply laced with sarcasm the second time and still invite me to write an article about their stupid cricket website associates.
Castrol cricket is one of these websites and I strongly advise you do not visit it because when my “expert fan” voice asks questions like Will Twenty20 cricket finally make vegetarians competitive? and Should the minimum height to play Twenty20 cricket be raised from 5′3″ to 5′9″? and they become “featured questions” you pretty much know what you’re going to get. The strong Bhogle influence is obvious when one of the “expert speakers”, Srinivas Bhogle, comes out with this incredibly daft assessment of the ICC rankings “they tend to cluster teams with similar performances into a tight embrace and fail to adequately reward wins in the big ODI contests.” Of course, what any ranking system should do is ensure teams with similar performances are kept at opposite ends of the spectrum so that they cannot hug each other and everyone should apply their subjective values for what qualifies as a big ODI contest. You should also commentate Srinivas, I’m sure all of India would love to hear about your bad hair days too. Oh, and to all of you who are supporting the site in hope of getting that valuable link from their “expert speak” blogroll, let me know when it finally does go up or when you get the next email to support their big IPL contests, whichever comes first (I’ll give you a clue, one of them should happen around May next year).
I will also miss the India-Australia ODI series, which I fear will interest me just about as much as this Champions League has so far, I’ve caught about 30 minutes of the entire thing so far and can’t get over Somerset’s cheerleaders. I’m not sure if its good form to twist Prince Philip’s quotes to a cricketing context and ask any of them “You are a man, aren’t you?” That would make me a female-chauvanist, I think. I will probably catch the matches at all of your blogs but I’m looking forward in particular to reading about them at Nesta’s 99.94, Soulberry’s TCWJ, Tony’s AGB, Ducking Beamers, Leela’s Maiden Bowling, for a humourous perspective from Som’s Doosra, oh dear I’m never going to fit you all in so let me just say: actually just about any blog that imho cares more about its content than page rank and their cricket blip ranking, and therefore ends up with more readable posts than ones littered with popular search engine keywords*. 
. I must also urge all of you to hold Sam/Sameer/Chandler of Armball to his word if India do lose the series, and force him to rename his blog to “Mahela Jayawardene is My Cricket God.” for one month. An Indian loss in a meaningless ODI series is probably worth all of Sri Lanka cheering for the Aussies and hopefully my efforts will get me a Noble Peace prize nomination.
So thats that then and till we meet again here at SoaL, Adios. In the meantime, here are a couple of new cricket blogs I’ve chanced upon in the last few days:
- Tales From The Offside: She’s a saffer who posts pics of her dog and calls him an asshole, whats not to like?
- A View From The Pavilion: An English medium pacer, who takes comfort from Ricky Ponting’s assurance that ODIs are here to stay.
* Please don’t take offense if I haven’t mentioned you personally here, you know how much I enjoy your blog from my visits and participation in the discussion, and I can’t honestly mention all 30 odd blogs. Please do take offense if you are obsessed with page rank and cb rankings, and leave a comment saying as much so everyone knows who you are!
UPDATE – October 15th 2009
Since that last angry rant, the following changes have taken place:
- Castrol Cricket have indeed put up the blogroll on their Expert Speak section and SoaL has made the list despite the less than complimentary review
- The Expert Fan section now has “like” and “dislike” buttons, I’m not sure about whether they play a role in making a question featured or not, but its nice to see them there all the same.
- I have been given a decent explanation as to why my questions were posted
- I think my questions have now been removed from the featured list based on an automated email I received
In this case I chose to judge someone based on three emails sent to me that unfortunately seemed to fit the pattern of several in the past, people that wanted a bit of publicity for nothing in return. This was clearly not the case in this instance, and so I want to sincerely apologize to Ms Makhija for anything that I might have written that could have offended her and I also want to say thank you to her for being so understanding.
9:00 a.m., unidentified Pakistani skipper gives his first speech of the day:
All I said to counselor was I am not happy with my partner’s performance
9:03 a.m., unnecessary disruption
Yo Pakistan!
Oh NO! Get this jackass out of here, I will not allow him to steal the limeli… interrupt our proceedings
Yo Judge, I know you just busy and all and Imma let you finish, but Renault’s match-fixing was the best one this year!
GET HIM OUT!
10:30 a.m., unidentified sex therapist physio gives evidence
So I said to him “Why do you want to play if you have a broken finger. See, you cannot even hold it straight firmly, it is soft and swollen. Can you even hold on to a ball let alone catch one?“
10:55 a.m., unidentified Member of Parliment presents his case with a mic and cowboy hat
They broke my heart, with their hanky panky start
I just don’t think they’d like to win
And if you let him stay, with his hanky panky ways
He might throw this team down the dustbin
Very nice honorable minister, the second note seemed to be a little off-key, in the middle I thought it was a bit pitchy but yeah I think you held it all together and in the end you made it work baby, it was alright! I’m gonna say YES, you’re in!
Woo-Hoo! I’m in! I’m in!
11:27 a.m., Unidentified player referred to as “Pakistan Cricket” makes his presence felt
“And one more thing, he has an “ass fixation.” He is always saying Boom, Boom… Ha! More likely from his ass than his bat“
“Liar Harami Behanchodh! I never said it, you just want to be captain!”
“ORDER! ORDER!“
“At least I’m not crying and shouting “Waah, Waah! I will resign captaincy, Pakistani team…”
“I will kill you disrespecting dog”
“ORDER!”
“Oh Ho, You will kill me eh Younus?”
“It is You-NIS, you drunkard playboy!”
“Judge, what do you get if you add Eunuch to Anus? YOU-NUS! Ahahahahahahaha.”
“AHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are too perfect Cricket Pakistan. No wonder we all love you so!”
“You should captain the Hijara team, YOU-NUS”
“Son of a goat, I will cut off your balls!”
“ORDER! ORDER!“
“You want me to be like you or what, ‘captain UN-courageous’ or should I say ‘EUN-courageous’?”
“Judge tell him to shut up or I will quit Pakistan team, captaincy and…”
“ORDER YOUNUS! ORDER! I will not allow you to behave like you are in school playground, we are in a court of law discussing a serious issue. Besides, we are figuring out whether you should be kept as captain.“
“What are you saying, he is the one who starte…”
“ENOUGH! ORDER! Please continue, Pakistan Cricket.“
2:02 p.m., unidentified PCB head lets it all out
They think I don’t hear them, but I hear their juvenile rubbish. After the loss that junky-monkey says “Great, now captain and chairman can talk butt to Butt and then give our asses a lecture.” Everyone needs to be disciplined. For a match to be fixed, first you have to be capable of staying sober throughout the fixing process.
4:00 p.m., unidentified Judge makes his ruling:
I find you are all guilty as charged. Every single one of you. We shall meet next week to decide if it is worth sentencing anybody or moving this to a lower court where it can be thrown out and everyone will be exonerated. Thanks for coming to the show guys, now make up and play for the country well again!
I don’t believe I can really do justice to the circus that is the Pakistani cricket establishment, but I think its fair to say in all seriousness that I don’t believe there is a case of match fixing. Any sensible cricket fan from Pakistan will tell you that every time the team loses there’s some joker who makes this stupid allegation and for his fifteen minutes of fame, resources are wasted on an exercise in pointlessness. I guess, who are we to complain when they provide us so much entertainment?
Sorry I couldn’t resist…
"there might have been some hanky panky in the match against Australia and New Zealand"
“We have been told by some respected and senior people and we are also trying to collect evidence that there might have been some hanky panky in the match against Australia and New Zealand.”
Jamshed Khan Dasti
P.S: I suck at photoshopping images. Hopefully at some time in the future I can convince Ceci of Shopping Around to either teach me a few tricks or even better do the shopping for me. Go visit her awesome new blog, but I’m warning you that you could end up spending a lot of time going through the entire catalogue.
Heads of boards representing England, India, New Zealand, Pakistan, South Africa, Sri Lanka and the West Indies announced moments after the Champions Trophy’s closing ceremony that they were withdrawing from the ODI format. When pressed by every reporter present on whether the decision had been influenced in anyway by Australia’s undisputed dominance of the format, all eight shouted in unison “NO!” Furious Australian reporters continued to badger the board heads but were ultimately left speechless by the execution of what has to have been the most organized and prepared of all cricket events between six or more members. Well known television broadcasters welcomed the move as a positive step forward, and promised to release millions of DVDs compilations of all of Australia’s ODIs (except for one match in South Africa) to appease the general population of the country in “this time of great transition.”
“The format has failed. It is antiquated and lends too much confusion as to whether a test or T20 is being played. The viewer is left wondering how he could have spent seven hours watching what should either have been two T20s or one-fifth of a test match. The poor crowd at one of the format’s elite championships has proved this point. We must now look forward to T20 leagues, and T20s in general which is the future.” said a beaming Lalit Modi.
England’s Giles Clarke was more adamant in his stance and went so far as to suggest that the all ODI matches be stripped from the annals of cricketing history. “It was a ghastly format. Yes, it did have a very important role to play in getting us from Test cricket to T20s, but that role has now been played out and it makes sense that all team records are immediately and irrevocably stripped from the annals of history. We can consider maintaining the individual records until the players are dead and gone, if that will please a few people, for now.”
When asked if his suggestion could be linked remotely to England’s abysmal record in ODIs and the fact that they have failed to win even a single ICC tournament, Clarke responded “Look, you need to have a format of the game that motivates the players. I mean you had all sorts of people feigning injuries to get out of this tournament. Younis Khan was the only person who was actually confused by the player’s meeting on this issue, and got it wrong by announcing he was going to play with an injury. As administrators we have to take these hints even when the general public do not seem to get them. I mean, you had Stuart Broad literally yell out that he couldn’t given half an ass to take part in a semifinal. Poor Colly was extremely frustrated that nobody picked up on this and so he also claims to have a torn up ass as a result of ODIs. Stunningly, the world’s best media outlets still chose to ignore the link, I mean for fucks sake Alastair wasn’t even part of the team, how could two cricketers from the same team end up with buttocks injuries? The final straw came when Danny decided to pull out of the final due to sheer boredom. So enough is enough, the players have had enough, the administrators have had enough, the broadcasters have had enough and the general public has had enough. ODIs must die!”
James Sutherland could not be located for his response on the matter. None of the associated boards were available either, though in a strange coincidence Modi announced that every IPL franchise would have to pick two players from an associate nation. The said player need not play or even visit the event if they so desired, he added. Such was the exemplary unison and organization of the event that the only point that brought up a little confusion was what would effectively replace the 2011 ODI World Cup. Ijaz Butt believed that there could a series of 30 T20 matches between Pakistan and a Rest of the World XI, Gerald Majola kept coughing (explained by IMG officials as a natural reaction to an important event), Sri Lankan and West Indian board members suggested a reality show based on The Sopranos that would pit both their main opponents in upcoming board elections in a duel to the death, Modi recommended a tournament between the IPL and Champion’s League Champions and New Zealand’s Justin Vaughan was ignored. Giles Clarke then stole the show with a strange suggestion that culminated in a bizarre sequence of events, all noted by an approving Lalit Modi on his horrible pink iPhone.
“Well, we firmly believe that the only true brand in cricket is the Ashes, and to safeguard the future of the game we simply have to continue marketing it relentlessly to the rest of the world. We could have Ashes matches played in associate countries, particularly China where they seem to be obsessed with the colour red, something I shall get to a little later. Since many of these countries might not quite be enthused by a match lasting 3 days, we recommend having just one innings each played over, say 45 overs, we can call it something like Ashes One On One, getit – one innings, one day and two teams going one on one, its fantastic. We promise we won’t let Neil Fairbrother get anywhere near the event. We’d like to see England don reds, because psychologists have noticed what a profound impact the colour seems to have on sports fans, particularly in China where other sport brands like Manchester United and Ferrari have had unparalleled success. If the Aussies can get over that pansy yellow, we suggest they wear black and white striped jerseys, aptly suggesting integration and all that crap. You’ve probably noticed how we tried getting as much red onto our recent uniform as was humanely possible, and by humanely I mean taking into mind potential lawsuits, in recent times.”
An annoyed and cranky Indian journalist then pointed out that for years Zimbabwe had worn red and they hadn’t exactly taken over the sporting world by storm. A visibly shaken Clarke then stuttered a few times, blurted out unintelligible gibberish before launching into a totally out of character tirade “Well of course they haven’t, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but they’re black, who ever heard of black people dressed in red becoming cultural icons. You need to get that chip off your shoulder.” Before several journalists tried pouncing on the myriad of points to refute this most illogical of arguments, in what seems to have been a rehearsed performance for just such a slip up, Clarke then proceeded to do a weird imitation of the Bhangra while yelling “Mein Dardi Rab Rab” before proceeding to fake an anaphylactic shock and collapse. IMG event security personnel quickly removed him from the scene without any emergency medical attention and a spokesperson from the corporation hastily left the following statement “We urge that everyone understand and excuse Mr Clarke’s sudden outburst which we are quite sure had nothing to do with his personal beliefs. Unfortunately Mr Clarke has an alcoholic addiction, but he has now been admitted to a rehabilitation center and we are confident of a complete recovery after the likes of Mel Gibson, Don Imus, Michael Richards and millions of other Hollywood stars have been through the same, urm, process. Thank you for your concern and understanding. Donations can be made via the website www.helpalcoholicgilesclarkerecover.com.”
P.S: Suspect me of plagiarism? Let me know, I can sue for slander! 
So last month I wrote a post which noted the similarities between one of my posts and another published on Cricinfo’s Page 2. Readers Scorpicity and Raj were pretty adamant in their defense of the author, Anand Ramachandran ,whose blog Son of Bosey they also read on a regular basis. Today Anand came by and left this comment on my blog (click here to read the full comment):
I have never read your blog before, and did not plagiarize anything from your post.
While when some of us spoke about this earlier we were pretty convinced that the idea was lifted, I have decided to take Anand’s word. Anand has said himself at his twitter page that “Guy actually has a reason to feel aggrieved – but it’s an unfortunate coincidence, nothing more. Sigh” to Jrod and “check out http://shortofalength.wordp… and scroll down a bit. Guy has a point – but total coincidence” to another author of Son Of Bosey. He was also happy with Raj and Scorpi’s support and said I have a “bee in my bonnet”, but then he seems to think I called him a douche, so thats upto him.
Anand even told his fellow author on Son of Bosey, who didn’t seem to have a clue of what my blog is about much less about what annoyed me, that it wasn’t necessary to link his witless humor to a #SoaL tag on twitter (Stay classy “Arvind Murali”). When Anand’s being such a swell guy about it, gives me permission to call him a douche and to believe what I want, it makes no sense for me not to say
There is a distinct possibility that Cricinfo’s Page2 authors do not like SoaL’s content enough to try to ape it.
hmm, or wait maybe this way it sounds better:
There is a distinct possibility that Cricinfo’s Page2 authors like SoaL’s content but not enough to try and ape us
Well, you get the general picture.
So I hope that settles that. Thanks to Raj for leaving a comment on Anand’s blog giving him the opportunity to clear this up. Peace “bosey”.
- Its a forgone conclusion that Australia are going to chase down Pakistan’s measly 205 target, with 10 overs to spare. I mean, there’s just no way that Australia are going to come close to losing that one is there?
- Its the West Indies, they can’t bat for nuts and are 4 down. ODIs could die at any moment, when the fuck else is he going to get an ODI wicket against his name.
- He’s a great bowler who gets fantastic inswing. He’s got tighter control than McGPollock (sic) and will not allow the Windies to score too many off him, thereby reducing the pressure on his batsmen to score extremely quickly because of the nrr margins become more manageable.
- He can add yet another guarantee to his place in the side. Brilliant captain, ranked #1 ODI batsman in the world, reasonably good wicketkeeper, middle order floater… I don’t know, in today’s world when you’re at war with fickle minded journos, its always better to have one more attribute you can hold up to the selectors should you be judged.
- Whats the worst that can happen? Its not like this tournament is going anywhere, is it. Besides, the team will relax and that should get the best out of them. Heaven knows they need to loosen up a bit. See how easy the skipper’s taking it, if you forget the pressure and enjoy yourself it will bring out the best in you.
- He might get lucky and injure his back, leg, groin or whatever. That might spare him the blushes of leading this side against the Aussies in that 7-match ODI series.
- If he pulls it off, they’ll have to call it inspired captaincy and genius. If it doesn’t, he was trying to shake things up. Innovate. like the IBM ad.
- Ashish Nehra, Ishant Sharma, Praveen Kumar, Abhishek Nayar and Virat Kohli are simply not enough seam options for one team.
- If he could hit 80mph, Prasad would have to duck for cover whenever they’re within 30 feet of each other.
- Whatever happens is beyond their control anyway.
Sure it was a good bowling performance. But for some reason it felt as if every other team in our group tried just a little bit harder than MSD’s injury-ridden team did to get India into the semis, than the men in blue. Australia even tried to choke. In South Africa. How rare is that?
Inspired by this excellent article (yet another) by Soulberry at TCWJ. Well worth a read.
As of 4pm IST
I'm in ur base yadda yadda
and just to double check
u r not alone web surfer
Okay, so apparently a lot people saw the post thanks to google searches like “Champions Trophy Quiz” and the likes but only one contestant who unfortunately didn’t attempt even a single question. So that means nobody wins, which is a pity because I have so many of these awesome custom designed and signed Achettup gold coins to give away. And I thought the questions were easy… here are the answers, forgive my lack of enthusiasm…
1. Which team has the best record at the ICC Champions Trophy?
West Indies
2. And which current Test playing nation has the worst record?
Pakistan
3. Who won the inaugural Champions trophy and whats so ironic about this?
South Africa, you don’t really need me to tell you whats ironic about this do you?
4. What, according to Brian Lara, inspired the West Indies to win the 2004 Champions Trophy? And what did this victory share with Australia’s 2007 World Cup victory?
Hurricane Ivan had wreaked havoc on the Caribbean Isles, and Lara said the team was motivated to bring some happiness to those who had been most affected by it. The game was marred by the atrocious lighting conditions towards the end.
5. Which Indian batsman made his debut in a Champion’s Trophy match and scored a match winning 84 in his first ever ODI innings?
Yuvraj Singh
6. Which edition (year) of the Champion’s Trophy had the most matches and why was this?
2006 – 21 matches because there was a preliminary round
7. Which South African fast bowler received a one match suspension for barging into Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid in a Champions Trophy match?
Roger Telemachus
8. What founding principle of the tournament was discontinued in the third edition?
Hosting in an associate country
9. Which radio broadcasting corporation was allowed to continue broadcasting “illegal” or “pirated” ball by ball audio commentary when the Supreme Court of the host nation intervened and allowed the transmission, after the ICC had already won an injunction from a high court forcing the halt of the broadcast in the middle of a match?
SLBC – Sri Lanka Broadcasting Corporation
10. Name the players who have
* Scored the most runs in the tournament – Chris Gayle
* Taken the most wickets – Muttiah Muralitharan
* The highest number of catches by a non wicket keeper – Saurav Ganguly
* The highest number of catches by any player – Adam Gilchrist
That means you’re going to be catching far less of the broadcast than you would for any of the other games. I’ve spoken about Star Cricket’s abysmal telecast before, they honestly just seem to keep lowering the bar, its simply deplorable. As soon as a wicket falls ZAP commercial-commercial-commercial-commercial-commercial-commercial-commercial-half-commercial-ZAP, continue to half of the next ball. If you weren’t keeping a close eye on the score closely before they went into their break, you wouldn’t have a clue how much the last batsmen scored. In some cases, you won’t even know how he was out, not time for a quick replay while he’s walking back to the pavilion, they simply have to get as many bloody ads in as they possibly can. But wait, it gets worse.
I’m not sure if I’m the only one who feels this way, but the volume seems to be much higher for the advertisements. I have to lower my volume bar by about 30-40% the minute the next boring ad is played for the gazillionth time, and thats just to keep the volume levels constant. If I forget to go back up again when we’re back to the action, I’m going to miss out on some of the commentary which sometimes is a blessing in disguise. And they seem to do this for all their shows, whether its F1, football or anything else. I wonder if its just psychological, our natural dislike for ads coming to the fore, but I’m hesitant to believe that when nobody around me screams at me to turn down the volume even when the crowds are roaring, but yell from three rooms away that the TV’s too loud the minute that idiot drops his phone and shouts “BOSS, BOSS, BOSS!”
Then there are the anchors and their kindergarten skits. “Oh, look at me and my mimicry skills, see I’m holding this mask in front of my face and mocking someone, I’m so great!” Its always so much fun to pull down the Aussie and Caribbean accents, but the minute Hayden mocks Harbhajan everyone’s up in arms at his racist red neck attitude. If I recall correctly, Ian Chappel once actually told Harsha Bhogle on air “I thought you were above imitating the Australian accent.” Its to be quite honest, the kind of show you would put in between Fireman Sam and Blue Peter, about 10 years ago. Fuck, I’d even watch the Clangers instead. Intelligent discourse on the game, not a chance, the guest are often led to the most stupid of topics by anchors chosen for their ability to beam a 150 watt smile and keep jabbering until the director says they can cross over to the live coverage.
And I honestly couldn’t give a damn about that prick Gautham Bhimani making an ass of himself at just about every country’s hot tourist spots. I want to watch cricket, I want to hear about cricket. I would have tuned into the Travel Channel otherwise, not only are the presenters better but the show seems to have a good allround focus, something Star seems to be lacking.
So I’m thinking, would I pay for uninterrupted ad-free coverage of all the cricket matches India plays. It would depend on the amount. I mean, I love internet radio and grudgingly stopped listening to last.fm (only because you can’t listen to pandora outside the US anymore) when they started asking for a fee as low as $3 a month. Grooveshark served as the ideal free playlist of recent songs, and even yahoo’s launchcast is tolerable with their ads. So I decided to do a very, very rough calculation. Lets say there are 25 million people who tune into India’s cricket matches. That’s roughly around 2% of the population and is extremely conservative. I don’t know how much they charge for these ODI ad slots, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the peak slots go for around Rs 600,000 for every 10 seconds. For 6 hours and 40 minutes of scheduled play, I’m going to assume they get at least an hours worth of ads in. (49*0.5*2 + 6wickets*2). That seems reasonable.
So for 60 minutes, or 360 ten second ad slots the ads would generate approximately Rs 216 million (or Rs 21.6 crores a match). Per person that falls to a measly Rs 8.64, and I’ve honestly considered the best possible circumstances for them by taking such a small percentage of the actual audience they probably end up getting. Of course, nobody would offer you rates that low, but exactly what multiple of that figure would you be willing to pay to actually see uninterrupted coverage of the game? Got a figure?
Good. Then ask yourself why you should have to even consider that option in the first place.
About a month ago, Younis Khan spoke about how he had this burning ambition to beat India at the Champion’s Trophy. Nobody paid too much attention to him. Usually when he gets that sort of reaction he pouts and threathens to quit the cpataincy, the team and everything else. But he’s grown up a little, is more mature and patient. He has become far more deliberate in his ways. He knows he is the undisputed captain of Pakistan and that he almost always stars in a match against India, kinda like Saeed Anwar and Jayasuriya and that long list of illustrious batsmen who could handle insipid medium slow bowling. Never one to miss out on grabbing the headlines, his latest ploy is among the most ingenious he has tried pulling off to date.
Poor ‘ol Younis injured his finger and ended up with a hairline fracture. This apparently happened on September 18th or 19th. He somehow got through the pain in the warm up game against Sri Lanka. But then he was too injured to take part in their first group game against the windies. But now he’s announced he wants to play against India. Does anyone else see whats going on here? He almost got away with it, but then he slipped up when he said
This seemed all too convenient so I sent SoaL correspondent Jessica Aniston Singh to investigate the matter. She managed to get her hands on an audio tape and sent me the transcripts. What you are about to read is almost more shocking than Alonso’s continued presence in Formula One.
Younis Khan: Ow ow ow ow ow ow, (inaudible) please look at my hand it seems injured.
Unidentified Physio: It doesn’t look swollen or anything, you want to take a precautionary X-Ray just in case?
YK: Yes, I think that would be better, why take a chance
(pause…)
UP: Hey Younis, I got the XRay results, it looks good, there’s no problem. Congrats!
YK: WHAT? No its still hurting. Let me see that picture
UP: See, its all fine, thats your finger and there are no dark shadows. You’re good to go!
YK: No. See there. in the middle, there’s a line. I knew it, a fracture. I have had so many, I know what they feel like.
UP: No no, thats a joint Younis
Unidentified Pace Bowler: Did somebody say joint?
UP: BETWEEN TWO BONES.
YK: BULL FUCKING SHIT. Thats fracture.
UP: Younis, I’ve been medically trained, I know what the difference between a joint and a fracture is.
YK: FRACTURE. FRACTURE. YE-OW!
UP: No Youn…
YK: IT IS FRACTURE YOU HEAR. FRACTURE. IF ITS NOT A FRACTURE I AM QUITTING CAPTAINCY, PAKISTAN CRICKET TEAM AND AND…
UP: (groans) Oh Brother. (louder) Okay, Okay, it is a fracture, are you happy now.
YK: No. It hurts. I don’t think I can face the West Indies. I better rest.
UP: If you say so, you know best.
YK: But I will sacrifice my fracture to play against India. I must lead the team against India. I will play through the pain for my country.
UP: That doesn’t make sense Younis. You can’t sit out in one match and play another. If you’re injured, you’re not fully fit and are only doing a disservice to your team by playing. And no hairline fracture heals within a week. Thats nonsense talk. I know you have an excellent record against India, but if you’re really feeling pain, you should let it pass.
YK: You shut up. You don’t know the difference between joint and fracture. I will play for my country and beat India. Why not come out and do something like Sachin did in 2003, something for my country which they will remember me for ages. I shall suffer the pain for the sake of beating India. And if you open your mouth, I will resign the captaincy. You hear, resign.
UP: OH! Oooh! Yes, it all makes sense now. Yes you’re injured Younis.
(End transcript)
Unfortunately I can’t confirm the authencity of the transcript, since JAS sent it via carrier pidgeon, apparantely quicker than broadband internet in South Africa, and you know how frisky pidgeons get this time of the year.
So I was delighted to read JRod’s article on Cricinfo’s Page 2 a few days ago and thought page 2 might finally be taking off, they’ve got articles from Zaltzman, Jrod and even King Cricket, among the funniest blogs out there. So I went back to page 2 today and found a new post which seemed strangely familiar to me. Maybe the grinning author grinned away while reading this post here on SoaL, written almost two weeks before his article, and thought he could build on the theme of retiring from anything but another format of the game. Nice work “bosey”.
Not that I’m saying he saw the article on my blog and got the idea or anything like that, certainly not with an original sentence like “cricket is now witnessing a bizarre outbreak of retirements from even more specific aspects of the game.” I’ve got a great idea, in the future I’ll just put my idea down and some douche can write the whole thing from scratch and everyone will be happy. Don’t know why, but I’m finally beginning to appreciate why Joe Rogan decided to call out Carlos Mencia.
