As in its musical context, particularly this line from wikipedia “it is a purposeful and valid passage used for a specific effect in the context of the overall work.” Actually thats all pretentious BS, I need this time to focus on other things and don’t anticipate posting again before the end of November or later. This means I’ll miss SoaL’s birthday, October 27th I think, so please make sure you come here and wish the blog Happy Birthday, because it tends to get touchy about things like that. I need to look back at this in some sort of context.

Context is people talking about Harsha Bhogle’s hair instead of Pragyan Ojha’s bowling. Context is also ads telling you shampoos are good investments. In these contexts, SoaL has given me worse returns than Enron and Satyam. While gmail tends to catch obvious spam, it has so far been unable to catch that annoying brand of former-e-commerce-business-advisors-turned-social-media-strategists, mostly pretenders living off one of the big six – the only ones who really know what they’re talking about – but usually Pete Cashmore’s content. There is nothing that I hate more than people who can’t take the hint after they’ve been ignored once, received a reply laced with sarcasm the second time and still invite me to write an article about their stupid cricket website associates.

Castrol cricket is one of these websites and I strongly advise you do not visit it because when my “expert fan” voice asks questions like Will Twenty20 cricket finally make vegetarians competitive? and Should the minimum height to play Twenty20 cricket be raised from 5′3″ to 5′9″? and they become “featured questions” you pretty much know what you’re going to get. The strong Bhogle influence is obvious when one of the “expert speakers”, Srinivas Bhogle, comes out with this incredibly daft assessment of the ICC rankings “they tend to cluster teams with similar performances into a tight embrace and fail to adequately reward wins in the big ODI contests.” Of course, what any ranking system should do is ensure teams with similar performances are kept at opposite ends of the spectrum so that they cannot hug each other and everyone should apply their subjective values for what qualifies as a big ODI contest. You should also commentate Srinivas, I’m sure all of India would love to hear about your bad hair days too. Oh, and to all of you who are supporting the site in hope of getting that valuable link from their “expert speak” blogroll, let me know when it finally does go up or when you get the next email to support their big IPL contests, whichever comes first (I’ll give you a clue, one of them should happen around May next year).

I will also miss the India-Australia ODI series, which I fear will interest me just about as much as this Champions League has so far, I’ve caught about 30 minutes of the entire thing so far and can’t get over Somerset’s cheerleaders. I’m not sure if its good form to twist Prince Philip’s quotes to a cricketing context and ask any of them “You are a man, aren’t you?” That would make me a female-chauvanist, I think. I will probably catch the matches at all of your blogs but I’m looking forward in particular to reading about them at Nesta’s 99.94, Soulberry’s TCWJ, Tony’s AGB, Ducking Beamers, Leela’s Maiden Bowling, for a humourous perspective from Som’s Doosra, oh dear I’m never going to fit you all in so let me just say: actually just about any blog that imho cares more about its content than page rank and their cricket blip ranking, and therefore ends up with more readable posts than ones littered with popular search engine keywords*. . I must also urge all of you to hold Sam/Sameer/Chandler of Armball to his word if India do lose the series, and force him to rename his blog to “Mahela Jayawardene is My Cricket God.” for one month. An Indian loss in a meaningless ODI series is probably worth all of Sri Lanka cheering for the Aussies and hopefully my efforts will get me a Noble Peace prize nomination.

So thats that then and till we meet again here at SoaL, Adios. In the meantime, here are a couple of new cricket blogs I’ve chanced upon in the last few days:

1. Tales From The Offside: She’s a saffer who posts pics of her dog and calls him an asshole, whats not to like?
2. A View From The Pavilion: An English medium pacer, who takes comfort from Ricky Ponting’s assurance that ODIs are here to stay.

* Please don’t take offense if I haven’t mentioned you personally here, you know how much I enjoy your blog from my visits and participation in the discussion, and I can’t honestly mention all 30 odd blogs. Please do take offense if you are obsessed with page rank and cb rankings, and leave a comment saying as much so everyone knows who you are!

UPDATE – October 15th 2009

Since that last angry rant, the following changes have taken place:

1. Castrol Cricket have indeed put up the blogroll on their Expert Speak section and SoaL has made the list despite the less than complimentary review
2. The Expert Fan section now has “like” and “dislike” buttons, I’m not sure about whether they play a role in making a question featured or not, but its nice to see them there all the same.
3. I have been given a decent explanation as to why my questions were posted
4. I think my questions have now been removed from the featured list based on an automated email I received

In this case I chose to judge someone based on three emails sent to me that unfortunately seemed to fit the pattern of several in the past, people that wanted a bit of publicity for nothing in return. This was clearly not the case in this instance, and so I want to sincerely apologize to Ms Makhija for anything that I might have written that could have offended her and I also want to say thank you to her for being so understanding.

9:00 a.m., unidentified Pakistani skipper gives his first speech of the day:

All I said to counselor was I am not happy with my partner’s performance

9:03 a.m., unnecessary disruption

Yo Pakistan!

Oh NO! Get this jackass out of here, I will not allow him to steal the limeli… interrupt our proceedings

Yo Judge, I know you just busy and all and Imma let you finish, but Renault’s match-fixing was the best one this year!

GET HIM OUT!

10:30 a.m., unidentified sex therapist physio gives evidence

So I said to him “Why do you want to play if you have a broken finger. See, you cannot even hold it straight firmly, it is soft and swollen. Can you even hold on to a ball let alone catch one?“

10:55 a.m., unidentified Member of Parliment presents his case with a mic and cowboy hat

They broke my heart, with their hanky panky start

I just don’t think they’d like to win

And if you let him stay, with his hanky panky ways

He might throw this team down the dustbin

Very nice honorable minister, the second note seemed to be a little off-key, in the middle I thought it was a bit pitchy but yeah I think you held it all together and in the end you made it work baby, it was alright! I’m gonna say YES, you’re in!

Woo-Hoo! I’m in! I’m in!

11:27 a.m., Unidentified player referred to as “Pakistan Cricket” makes his presence felt

“And one more thing, he has an “ass fixation.” He is always saying Boom, Boom… Ha! More likely from his ass than his bat“

“Liar Harami Behanchodh! I never said it, you just want to be captain!”

“ORDER! ORDER!“

“At least I’m not crying and shouting “Waah, Waah! I will resign captaincy, Pakistani team…”

“I will kill you disrespecting dog”

“ORDER!”

“Oh Ho, You will kill me eh Younus?”

“It is You-NIS, you drunkard playboy!”

“Judge, what do you get if you add Eunuch to Anus? YOU-NUS! Ahahahahahahaha.”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are too perfect Cricket Pakistan. No wonder we all love you so!”

“You should captain the Hijara team, YOU-NUS”

“Son of a goat, I will cut off your balls!”

“ORDER! ORDER!“

“You want me to be like you or what, ‘captain UN-courageous’ or should I say ‘EUN-courageous’?”

“Judge tell him to shut up or I will quit Pakistan team, captaincy and…”

“ORDER YOUNUS! ORDER! I will not allow you to behave like you are in school playground, we are in a court of law discussing a serious issue. Besides, we are figuring out whether you should be kept as captain.“

“What are you saying, he is the one who starte…”

“ENOUGH! ORDER! Please continue, Pakistan Cricket.“

2:02 p.m., unidentified PCB head lets it all out

They think I don’t hear them, but I hear their juvenile rubbish. After the loss that junky-monkey says “Great, now captain and chairman can talk butt to Butt and then give our asses a lecture.” Everyone needs to be disciplined. For a match to be fixed, first you have to be capable of staying sober throughout the fixing process.

4:00 p.m., unidentified Judge makes his ruling:

I find you are all guilty as charged. Every single one of you. We shall meet next week to decide if it is worth sentencing anybody or moving this to a lower court where it can be thrown out and everyone will be exonerated. Thanks for coming to the show guys, now make up and play for the country well again!

I don’t believe I can really do justice to the circus that is the Pakistani cricket establishment, but I think its fair to say in all seriousness that I don’t believe there is a case of match fixing. Any sensible cricket fan from Pakistan will tell you that every time the team loses there’s some joker who makes this stupid allegation and for his fifteen minutes of fame, resources are wasted on an exercise in  pointlessness. I guess, who are we to complain when they provide us so much entertainment?

Sorry I couldn’t resist…

"there might have been some hanky panky in the match against Australia and New Zealand"

“We have been told by some respected and senior people and we are also trying to collect evidence that there might have been some hanky panky in the match against Australia and New Zealand.”

Jamshed Khan Dasti

P.S: I suck at photoshopping images. Hopefully at some time in the future I can convince Ceci of Shopping Around to either teach me a few tricks or even better do the shopping for me. Go visit her awesome new blog, but I’m warning you that you could end up spending a lot of time going through the entire catalogue.

From cricinfo:

Spinning in India excites van der Merwe

From rediff:

“We have been told by some respected and senior people and we are also trying to collect evidence that there might have been some hanky panky in the match against Australia and New Zealand,” Dasti claimed

Heads of boards representing England, India, New Zealand, Pakistan, South Africa, Sri Lanka and the West Indies announced moments after the Champions Trophy’s closing ceremony that they were withdrawing from the ODI format. When pressed by every reporter present on whether the decision had been influenced in anyway by Australia’s undisputed dominance of the format, all eight shouted in unison “NO!” Furious Australian reporters continued to badger the board heads but were ultimately left speechless by the execution of what has to have been the most organized and prepared of all cricket events between six or more members. Well known television broadcasters welcomed the move as a positive step forward, and promised to release millions of DVDs compilations of all of Australia’s ODIs (except for one match in South Africa) to appease the general population of the country in “this time of great transition.”

“The format has failed. It is antiquated and lends too much confusion as to whether a test or T20 is being played. The viewer is left wondering how he could have spent seven hours watching what should either have been two T20s or one-fifth of a test match. The poor crowd at one of the format’s elite championships has proved this point. We must now look forward to T20 leagues, and T20s in general which is the future.” said a beaming Lalit Modi.

England’s Giles Clarke was more adamant in his stance and went so far as to suggest that the all ODI matches be stripped from the annals of cricketing history. “It was a ghastly format. Yes, it did have a very important role to play in getting us from Test cricket to T20s, but that role has now been played out and it makes sense that all team records are immediately and irrevocably stripped from the annals of history. We can consider maintaining the individual records until the players are dead and gone, if that will please a few people, for now.”

When asked if his suggestion could be linked remotely to England’s abysmal record in ODIs and the fact that they have failed to win even a single ICC tournament, Clarke responded “Look, you need to have a format of the game that motivates the players. I mean you had all sorts of people feigning injuries to get out of this tournament. Younis Khan was the only person who was actually confused by the player’s meeting on this issue, and got it wrong by announcing he was going to play with an injury. As administrators we have to take these hints even when the general public do not seem to get them. I mean, you had Stuart Broad literally yell out that he couldn’t given half an ass to take part in a semifinal. Poor Colly was extremely frustrated that nobody picked up on this and so he also claims to have a torn up ass as a result of ODIs. Stunningly, the world’s best media outlets still chose to ignore the link, I mean for fucks sake Alastair wasn’t even part of the team, how could two cricketers from the same team end up with buttocks injuries? The final straw came when Danny decided to pull out of the final due to sheer boredom. So enough is enough, the players have had enough, the administrators have had enough, the broadcasters have had enough and the general public has had enough. ODIs must die!”

James Sutherland could not be located for his response on the matter. None of the associated boards were available either, though in a strange coincidence Modi announced that every IPL franchise would have to pick two players from an associate nation. The said player need not play or even visit the event if they so desired, he added. Such was the exemplary unison and organization of the event that the only point that brought up a little confusion was what would effectively replace the 2011 ODI World Cup. Ijaz Butt believed that there could a series of 30 T20 matches between Pakistan and a Rest of the World XI, Gerald Majola kept coughing (explained by IMG officials as a natural reaction to an important event), Sri Lankan and West Indian board members suggested a reality show based on The Sopranos that would pit both their main opponents in upcoming board elections in a duel to the death, Modi recommended a tournament between the IPL and Champion’s League Champions and New Zealand’s Justin Vaughan was ignored. Giles Clarke then stole the show with a strange suggestion that culminated in a bizarre sequence of events, all noted by an approving Lalit Modi on his horrible pink iPhone.

“Well, we firmly believe that the only true brand in cricket is the Ashes, and to safeguard the future of the game we simply have to continue marketing it relentlessly to the rest of the world. We could have Ashes matches played in associate countries, particularly China where they seem to be obsessed with the colour red, something I shall get to a little later. Since many of these countries might not quite be enthused by a match lasting 3 days, we recommend having just one innings each played over, say 45 overs, we can call it something like Ashes One On One, getit – one innings, one day and two teams going one on one, its fantastic. We promise we won’t let Neil Fairbrother get anywhere near the event. We’d like to see England don reds, because psychologists have noticed what a profound impact the colour seems to have on sports fans, particularly in China where other sport brands like Manchester United and Ferrari have had unparalleled success. If the Aussies can get over that pansy yellow, we suggest they wear black and white striped jerseys, aptly suggesting integration and all that crap. You’ve probably noticed how we tried getting as much red onto our recent uniform as was humanely possible, and by humanely I mean taking into mind potential lawsuits, in recent times.”

An annoyed and cranky Indian journalist then pointed out that for years Zimbabwe had worn red and they hadn’t exactly taken over the sporting world by storm. A visibly shaken Clarke then stuttered a few times, blurted out unintelligible gibberish before launching into a totally out of character tirade “Well of course they haven’t, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but they’re black, who ever heard of black people dressed in red becoming cultural icons. You need to get that chip off your shoulder.” Before several journalists tried pouncing on the myriad of points to refute this most illogical of arguments, in what seems to have been a rehearsed performance for just such a slip up, Clarke then proceeded to do a weird imitation of the Bhangra while yelling “Mein Dardi Rab Rab” before proceeding to fake an anaphylactic shock and collapse. IMG event security personnel quickly removed him from the scene without any emergency medical attention and a spokesperson from the corporation hastily left the following statement “We urge that everyone understand and excuse Mr Clarke’s sudden outburst which we are quite sure had nothing to do with his personal beliefs. Unfortunately Mr Clarke has an alcoholic addiction, but he has now been admitted to a rehabilitation center and we are confident of a complete recovery after the likes of Mel Gibson, Don Imus, Michael Richards and millions of other Hollywood stars have been through the same, urm, process. Thank you for your concern and understanding. Donations can be made via the website www.helpalcoholicgilesclarkerecover.com.”

P.S: Suspect me of plagiarism? Let me know, I can sue for slander!

So last month I wrote a post which noted the similarities between one of my posts and another published on Cricinfo’s Page 2. Readers Scorpicity and Raj were pretty adamant in their defense of the author, Anand Ramachandran ,whose blog Son of Bosey they also read on a regular basis. Today Anand came by and left this comment on my blog (click here to read the full comment):

I have never read your blog before, and did not plagiarize anything from your post.

While when some of us spoke about this earlier we were pretty convinced that the idea was lifted, I have decided to take Anand’s word. Anand has said himself at his twitter page that “Guy actually has a reason to feel aggrieved – but it’s an unfortunate coincidence, nothing more. Sigh” to Jrod and “check out http://shortofalength.wordp… and scroll down a bit. Guy has a point – but total coincidence” to another author of Son Of Bosey. He was also happy with Raj and Scorpi’s support and said I have a “bee in my bonnet”, but then he seems to think I called him a douche, so thats upto him.

Anand even told his fellow author on Son of Bosey, who didn’t seem to have a clue of what my blog is about much less about what annoyed me, that it wasn’t necessary to link his witless humor to a #SoaL tag on twitter (Stay classy “Arvind Murali”). When Anand’s being such a swell guy about it, gives me permission to call him a douche and to believe what I want, it makes no sense for me not to say

There is a distinct possibility that Cricinfo’s Page2 authors do not like SoaL’s content enough to try to ape it.

hmm, or wait maybe this way it sounds better:

There is a distinct possibility that Cricinfo’s Page2 authors like SoaL’s content but not enough to try and ape us

Well, you get the general picture.

So I hope that settles that. Thanks to Raj for leaving a comment on Anand’s blog giving him the opportunity to clear this up. Peace “bosey”.

1. Its a forgone conclusion that Australia are going to chase down Pakistan’s measly 205 target, with 10 overs to spare. I mean, there’s just no way that Australia are going to come close to losing that one is there?
2. Its the West Indies, they can’t bat for nuts and are 4 down. ODIs could die at any moment, when the fuck else is he going to get an ODI wicket against his name.
3. He’s a great bowler who gets fantastic inswing. He’s got tighter control than McGPollock (sic) and will not allow the Windies to score too many off him, thereby reducing the pressure on his batsmen to score extremely quickly because of the nrr margins become more manageable.
4. He can add yet another guarantee to his place in the side. Brilliant captain, ranked #1 ODI batsman in the world, reasonably good wicketkeeper, middle order floater… I don’t know, in today’s world when you’re at war with fickle minded journos, its always better to have one more attribute you can hold up to the selectors should you be judged.
5. Whats the worst that can happen? Its not like this tournament is going anywhere, is it. Besides, the team will relax and that should get the best out of them. Heaven knows they need to loosen up a bit. See how easy the skipper’s taking it, if you forget the pressure and enjoy yourself it will bring out the best in you.
6. He might get lucky and injure his back, leg, groin or whatever. That might spare him the blushes of leading this side against the Aussies in that 7-match ODI series.
7. If he pulls it off, they’ll have to call it inspired captaincy and genius. If it doesn’t, he was trying to shake things up. Innovate. like the IBM ad.
8. Ashish Nehra, Ishant Sharma, Praveen Kumar, Abhishek Nayar and Virat Kohli are simply not enough seam options for one team.
9. If he could hit 80mph, Prasad would have to duck for cover whenever they’re within 30 feet of each other.
10. Whatever happens is beyond their control anyway.

Sure it was a good bowling performance. But for some reason it felt as if every other team in our group tried just a little bit harder than MSD’s injury-ridden team did to get India into the semis, than the men in blue. Australia even tried to choke. In South Africa. How rare is that?

Inspired by this excellent article (yet another) by Soulberry at TCWJ. Well worth a read.

As of 4pm IST

I'm in ur base yadda yadda

and just to double check

u r not alone web surfer

Okay, so apparently a lot people saw the post thanks to google searches like “Champions Trophy Quiz” and the likes but only one contestant who unfortunately didn’t attempt even a single question. So that means nobody wins, which is a pity because I have so many of these awesome custom designed and signed Achettup gold coins to give away. And I thought the questions were easy… here are the answers, forgive my lack of enthusiasm…

1. Which team has the best record at the ICC Champions Trophy?

West Indies

2. And which current Test playing nation has the worst record?

Pakistan

3. Who won the inaugural Champions trophy and whats so ironic about this?

South Africa, you don’t really need me to tell you whats ironic about this do you?

4. What, according to Brian Lara, inspired the West Indies to win the 2004 Champions Trophy? And what did this victory share with Australia’s 2007 World Cup victory?

Hurricane Ivan had wreaked havoc on the Caribbean Isles, and Lara said the team was motivated to bring some happiness to those who had been most affected by it. The game was marred by the atrocious lighting conditions towards the end.

5. Which Indian batsman made his debut in a Champion’s Trophy match and scored a match winning 84 in his first ever ODI innings?

Yuvraj Singh

6. Which edition (year) of the Champion’s Trophy had the most matches and why was this?

2006 – 21 matches because there was a preliminary round

7. Which South African fast bowler received a one match suspension for barging into Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid in a Champions Trophy match?

Roger Telemachus

8. What founding principle of the tournament was discontinued in the third edition?

Hosting in an associate country

9. Which radio broadcasting corporation was allowed to continue broadcasting “illegal” or “pirated” ball by ball audio commentary when the Supreme Court of the host nation intervened and allowed the transmission, after the ICC had already won an injunction from a high court forcing the halt of the broadcast in the middle of a match?

SLBC – Sri Lanka Broadcasting Corporation

10. Name the players who have

* Scored the most runs in the tournament – Chris Gayle
* Taken the most wickets – Muttiah Muralitharan
* The highest number of catches by a non wicket keeper – Saurav Ganguly
* The highest number of catches by any player – Adam Gilchrist

That means you’re going to be catching far less of the broadcast than you would for any of the other games. I’ve spoken about Star Cricket’s abysmal telecast before, they honestly just seem to keep lowering the bar, its simply deplorable. As soon as a wicket falls ZAP commercial-commercial-commercial-commercial-commercial-commercial-commercial-half-commercial-ZAP, continue to half of the next ball. If you weren’t keeping a close eye on the score closely before they went into their break, you wouldn’t have a clue how much the last batsmen scored. In some cases, you won’t even know how he was out, not time for a quick replay while he’s walking back to the pavilion, they simply have to get as many bloody ads in as they possibly can. But wait, it gets worse.

I’m not sure if I’m the only one who feels this way, but the volume seems to be much higher for the advertisements. I have to lower my volume bar by about 30-40% the minute the next boring ad is played for the gazillionth time, and thats just to keep the volume levels constant. If I forget to go back up again when we’re back to the action, I’m going to miss out on some of the commentary which sometimes is a blessing in disguise. And they seem to do this for all their shows, whether its F1, football or anything else. I wonder if its just psychological, our natural dislike for ads coming to the fore, but I’m hesitant to believe that when nobody around me screams at me to turn down the volume even when the crowds are roaring, but yell from three rooms away that the TV’s too loud the minute that idiot drops his phone and shouts “BOSS, BOSS, BOSS!”

Then there are the anchors and their kindergarten skits. “Oh, look at me and my mimicry skills, see I’m holding this mask in front of my face and mocking someone, I’m so great!” Its always so much fun to pull down the Aussie and Caribbean accents, but the minute Hayden mocks Harbhajan everyone’s up in arms at his racist red neck attitude. If I recall correctly, Ian Chappel once actually told Harsha Bhogle on air “I thought you were above imitating the Australian accent.” Its to be quite honest, the kind of show you would put in between Fireman Sam and Blue Peter, about 10 years ago. Fuck, I’d even watch the Clangers instead. Intelligent discourse on the game, not a chance, the guest are often led to the most stupid of topics by anchors chosen for their ability to beam a 150 watt smile and keep jabbering until the director says they can cross over to the live coverage.

And I honestly couldn’t give a damn about that prick Gautham Bhimani making an ass of himself at just about every country’s hot tourist spots. I want to watch cricket, I want to hear about cricket. I would have tuned into the Travel Channel otherwise, not only are the presenters better but the show seems to have a good allround focus, something Star seems to be lacking.

So I’m thinking, would I pay for uninterrupted ad-free coverage of all the cricket matches India plays. It would depend on the amount. I mean, I love internet radio and grudgingly stopped listening to last.fm (only because you can’t listen to pandora outside the US anymore) when they started asking for a fee as low as $3 a month. Grooveshark served as the ideal free playlist of recent songs, and even yahoo’s launchcast is tolerable with their ads. So I decided to do a very, very rough calculation. Lets say there are 25 million people who tune into India’s cricket matches. That’s roughly around 2% of the population and is extremely conservative. I don’t know how much they charge for these ODI ad slots, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the peak slots go for around Rs 600,000 for every 10 seconds. For 6 hours and 40 minutes of scheduled play, I’m going to assume they get at least an hours worth of ads in. (49*0.5*2 + 6wickets*2). That seems reasonable.

So for 60 minutes, or 360 ten second ad slots the ads would generate approximately Rs 216 million (or Rs 21.6 crores a match). Per person that falls to a measly Rs 8.64, and I’ve honestly considered the best possible circumstances for them by taking such a small percentage of the actual audience they probably end up getting. Of course, nobody would offer you rates that low, but exactly what multiple of that figure would you be willing to pay to actually see uninterrupted coverage of the game? Got a figure?

Good. Then ask yourself why you should have to even consider that option in the first place.